Frickin' Strugglin'

About a month and half ago I ran a 10k. It wasn’t incredibly fast or fluid but it was not the hardest thing I have done. I ran without pause or much pressure and just knocked out the miles. Move forward to today and let’s just say I sucked air. The only thing I had to do today for my workout was five ½ mile repeats. I also got to rest two minutes after each run. Simple running or at least that is what I thought. This is where the frickin’ strugglin’ came in. I fought myself after the first half mile and lost major time from the second one on. I even fought with myself after the fourth repeat and tried to talk myself into calling it a day. The internal struggle we face is one of the most bizarre human emotions we face on a day to day basis. Struggling and succeeding gives us such a thrill but most of the time the struggle just beats us to a pulp. We all struggle with something or multiple things. I am a massive test case for struggling. I am an “athlete” but really struggle hydrating myself properly. I really just hate water. I know I need it but it is such a boring drink. A friend has turned me on to the Gatorade Propel packets and that helps. I still struggle but they have been a boost to me drinking more H2O. I struggle with my own belief system. I know I have a skill set but struggle in the belief that I am good enough to use it. I struggle being a good dad, husband, family member, and friend. I enjoy me time and really have a difficult time opening up or for that matter really letting people I should be close with into my world. Even worse, I really struggle trying to allow myself to enter their world. I am highly introverted, I have been tested, but would rather have a discussion with a stranger who I will never see again because I can forget them and they can forget me once our time together is over. I struggle with an addictive personality. If I am going to do something the only way to do it is to look at the highest level available and make that the goal. This is not all bad except I miss the fun that comes along with the journey. Whether it is tennis, racing, fishing, or even bowling I have the sense that if I am going to do it I might as well shoot for the PBA or the Bass Masters tours. I know, how stupid is that? I can enjoy going bowling and dropping a line but I struggle with just enjoying the moment. I want to bowl better and catch the biggest or the most fish. Struggle can also bring us some of our best accomplishments. When I decided to get my Master’s I struggled with multiple nights of no sleep. The struggle to work, study, help raise my daughter, and start my new job only gave me more determination to get through the task. I have watched my wife, sister, and brother-in-law go through the same struggle and realized that we all have demons that hold us back or push us through those struggles. Struggle also helped me determine I needed to allow my damaged body to be repaired. Once I couldn’t pick up my daughter I made the appointment to get my shoulder repaired. I struggled for 9 months after the surgery to get back to the point I could live a normal day. The struggle was completed the day Brianna ran to me and jumped up into my arms. There was no pain. The struggle was worth it. We all struggle. Some of us give into the struggle. If the gold was in California why did people stop along the route and never continue? The struggle outweighed the reward so they just stopped. A persons struggles have the potential, there’s that damn word again, to make them attempt something they never thought was possible or it can stop them dead in their tracks. I struggle every day. The one gift that I was blessed or cursed with is that I have the ability to never give in, no matter the amount of discomfort or pain my struggle is causing me. I may not win but I will complete the task. We all struggle but it just depends on what we want that determines if we push through the struggle or pull up a chair and let the struggle tie us down. Speaking of struggling; here are my lackluster times of the five ½ mile repeats from today’s debacle otherwise known as a run. 1. 4:34 2. 4:48 3. 4:52 4. 5:04 5. 5:07